Sun On The Verizon
by Lord Kristine
Summary: Was Jurassic World an inside job? Verizon Wireless has all the answers.


In the cavernous depths of the Fortress of Everlasting Sorrow, three hooded figures marched slowly past a series of flickering torches, their brown robes gliding across the stone floor with a gentle hiss. They followed a chorus of rhythmic chanting, which echoed off of the walls with a haunting dissonance. As they approached a large, ornate door, two guards with grotesque masks crossed their spears to prevent them from passing. The first figure held up his arm, revealing a sinister tattoo. The guards saluted him and let the three of them pass.

Beyond the doors was a massive banquet hall. About two dozen cultists in similar robes were gathered around a long table. The three newcomers slithered to the head of it. When they stopped walking, the others stood up to acknowledge them. They made a strange gesture and spoke in a collective voice.

"Hail Verizon, bringer of light."

Everyone sat down, with the exception of the trio and a man at the opposite end of the table. The latter lifted his arms grandly.

"Brother Osterly, Brother Drucker, Sister Brand. What news hast thou of our newest business venture?"

The first man pulled his hood down.

"We chose to accept the deal, but there's a problem."

The second man removed his hood as well.

"Jurassic World has been struck with a disaster of epic proportions. The Indominus Rex is no longer a safe investment."

The third person, a woman, pulled her hood down slower than the other two.

"I made an attempt to negotiate a new trade, but I was defeated in a battle of rhythmic speech. The asset escaped. I have failed our cause."

The leader held up his hand.

"Speak not of your failure, Sister Brand. Verizon cannot be defeated so easily. Our power shall overcome the Unilluminated, and our LTE network will make cellular connections beyond anything the world has ever seen."

Everyone in the room stood up.

"LTE is the light that purges the darkness of nonbelievers. The Unilluminated shall fall."

They sat back down. The leader placed his hands behind his back and walked slowly across the room.

"Sister Brand, this new asset . . . she was a hybrid, correct?"

"Yes, Emperor Mead. She was a hybrid, but not a dinosaur."

"No?"

Sister Brand shook her head.

"She was a prehistoric reptile. She was green and yellow, and she had a fin . . ."

One of the hooded figures stood up.

"Hey, genius! It's called a sail."

The speaker flung her robes away to reveal that she was, in fact, the hybrid reptile that Sister Brand had been describing. She hopped up on the table and walked down its length casually.

"I'll bet you're surprised to see me here," she said breezily, "After all, it isn't easy to break into a powerful corporation, much less so when you're a hybrid reptile. But I have a good reason to be here. See, your company tried to buy me. Of course, I'm an animal right now, but I used to be a human being. As far as I'm concerned, sentient creatures do not deserve to be caged. You have others like me hidden away somewhere. Release them."

Emperor Mead chuckled.

"The hybrids belong to Spurrcorp. They are elsewhere."

"Liar!" the reptile snarled, "I hacked your email. You bought fifty hybrids yesterday."

"You can't prove that!" he bellowed.

"Maybe not, but I won't back down until my people are free."

The Emperor slammed his fist on the table.

"Fool! Do you think you can match the ultimate power of Verizon?"

Sister Brand glanced at him nervously.

"Emperor Mead, I wouldn't underestimate her if I were you . . ."

"Silence, Sister Brand, or I'll have you executed for blasphemy!" he barked.

The hybrid laughed.

"Oh, you Verizon folk are so ridonculous! I was going to challenge you to a sword fight, but if you're really that confident, we can have another rap battle."

With this, Brother Drucker stepped forward.

"If you don't mind, I'd rather partake in a more sophisticated competition. I've been working on a poem. It would be an honor to perform it in the name of our savior, Verizon."

He pulled a paper out of his pocket and cleared his throat.

"My darling, you're a butterfly

Who flips and flaps and flies so high.

I wish that I could hold you tight,

But if I did, t'would not be right.

For what is beauty when it's bought?

Can we own beauty? I think not."

It took a few seconds for everyone to realize that he was done. They shifted uncomfortably in their seats, wondering what to say. Finally, the hybrid spoke up.

"That was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life."

Brother Drucker looked down in embarrassment.

"Oh . . . Okay . . ."

Brother Osterly cleared his throat.

"Well, that may not have been a work of art, but _I_ have a poem that will make you pee with laughter. _There once was a girl from Regina_ -"

The Emperor slapped his forehead.

"Christ, can't anyone here write a goddamn poem without having it sound like absolute shit?"

Sister Brand sighed.

"I have one."

She looked down sadly and laced her fingers together.

"I used to think my life had worth,

That there was meaning in my birth,

But I was proven wrong one day

When my opponent had her way.

The reptile's rap made mine look bad,

And now, I'm feeling really sad.

The talent that I once enjoyed

By one rap battle was destroyed.

I used to think I was unique,

But now I know I lack technique.

Poor Erica has lost all hope.

Will she prevail? The answer: nope."

The hybrid placed her paw over her mouth as Sister Brand started to cry.

"Oh god . . . I had no idea that it meant so much to you."

"You destroyed all of my dreams . . ." Sister Brand whispered.

The Emperor tossed her a gun.

"And now's your chance to destroy _hers_. Finish it!"

Sister Brand took the pistol and pointed it at the hybrid. She didn't seem frightened by the gesture, but rather, disappointed.

"Erica, don't do this."

"I have to," she whispered remorsefully.

"You really don't," the hybrid insisted, "Yes, you lost the rap battle, but let me tell you something: it was the best duel I've ever had in my life. I had fun, and I know you had fun too."

"It doesn't matter. I lost."

"Winning isn't everything," the hybrid persisted, "You've been spending too much time with these Verizon nutjobs. Trust me, Erica. You don't have to listen to them. You deserve better."

Erica stared at the reptile with tears in her eyes.

"For five years, I've put up with all of this Illuminati bullshit. I'm sick of working for Verizon. It's not even worth the special parking pass."

The Emperor frowned.

"If you betray us, you will die with her!"

Erica tossed her robes to the side.

"Don't bet on it."

And then they Kung-Fu'd their way out of the fortress and there were explosions and tanks and they got out safely or something.

 **The End**


End file.
